Phrases Regarding Final Moments Of Life
I’ve heard many notions regarding someone’s final thoughts, requests, wishes and the like. There seems to be one common thread that plagues one’s last moment’s on this earth- regret. People not only speak of their own regrets in life, but a desire to spare their loved ones from encountering the sentiment.
Whether someone’s last moments are spent speaking of an opportunity not taken, a path they wish they pursued, or offering final thoughts of encouragement to the next generation, almost consistently end stages of life are full of should have, would haves and could haves.
Last Wish Wishes
I’ve had the advantage of many of these beautiful moments now, sitting bedside with someone in their final time left. End of life wishes have a very final feel. As though the person has some clarity and wants to drop a few gems before they leave. What’s hard to swallow, is that we don’t all get this.
Some endings are sudden. Sometimes the one we love has lost all ability to communicate, so if you have the privilege of a conversation with someone who wants to share some final wishes, embrace the opportunity and just listen. Reassurance goes far too. Imagine if you were standing at death’s door, the desire to be sure that your ‘last wish-wishes‘ were heard and carried out would be paramount.
Living Without Regret
To ensure your own end of life being filled with beautiful, loving moments with those closest to you and not regrets, don’t play it safe in a routine filled life void of adventures. I say this as the widow of a 42 year old man who was the vision of health. We don’t know when our last day will come, so to ensure you haven’t put off until tomorrow all of the beauty life has to offer, start your bucket list today.
In Bronnie Ware’s book, The Top Five Regrets of the Dying, Bronnie cites the five most common regrets of the dying; including:
I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life other’s expected of me.
Author: Bronnie Ware
Also included was: I wish I hadn’t worked so hard, had the courage to express my feelings, I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends and had let myself be happier.
Wow I mean let that sink in! To see end of life wishes laid out like this is powerful. Talk about a moment for self reflection. What final wishes would you have if today was that day? How can you let ‘living without regret’ be a theme for your life?
I know that I never want to have my final thoughts be occupied with regret instead of leaving final wishes for my children and their futures. Even that (leaving final wishes for my children) I hope isn’t even a thought. I spend a lot of time in the here and now talking to my children about my hopes and dreams for their lives. In my final moments on this earth, I hope to just be at peace and in company of those I love and have spent much meaningful time with.
Death Wishes
Let’s be clear about what we’re talking about here. Language barriers can pose a real struggle when speaking about death. While last wish wishes, end of life wishes and final wishes all have the same general meaning, a death wish is not the same. To clarify, someone’s final wishes are just that, their final thoughts and hopes for themselves and those they’re leaving behind.
Death wishes are something much different. A death wish is when someone who is not in a hospice, or life threatening situation, is subconsciously/unconsciously desiring their own death. As my group of friends is expanding more globally, I feel clarification is necessary, as the English language tends to cause confusion.
A, Not So Often Discussed, Part Of The Dying Process
One commonality among the dying is the expression of fear. Fear of not knowing how to die, what comes next, what the person is leaving behind for those they love and of the unknown. My husband was very clear with me in his final days that he was scared. This was coming from a man who never expressed fear in life.
A couple points to consider. The person who is dying may be on medications that exacerbate anxiety. Many of the drugs typically prescribed at end of life, such as Morphine and steroids can have the unwanted side effect of fear/anxiety. GoodRx Health has an article worthy of checking out that lists many of the anxiety increasing medications.
If you haven’t had the chance to read it yet, I spoke in a recent blog on cortisol and the devastating effects it has on our body’s cells. The end of life rush of this hormone seems undeniable if you’ve ever witnessed someone in their final days.
See my full disclaimer, as I’m not advising, but my experience was that the best way to proceed when someone is anxious when nearing the end, is to avoid conflict. If they’re stressing out about something that is a figment of their slipping mind, treat it gently.
We dealt with Covid-19 at its peak during my husband’s passing and at a time when, unknowingly, people were panic stricken. To his already anxiety filled mind, that just exacerbated things to an entirely unfounded level. We could have made arguments as to the reality that we didn’t need to re-sanitize the entire living room after the nurse left, but to what end?
Even though the nurse used all of the proper precautions when entering our home, the act of taking a bleach wipe and doing a quick surface wipe and vacuum was a simple fix to calm my husband’s worries.
Anticipating experiences that you know will trigger the dying person, will help to buffer fear and anxiety. I would also recommend avoiding asking too many questions as the time is approaching. It’s probably not the time to be inquiring about their last wishes, final words, etc. By the time you know the end is near, just letting them speak when they want and about what they want (even if it makes no sense at all), is a gift. Just sitting with the person and giving them love is really all that’s required.
Again, this is why I encourage you to have difficult conversations and important conversations today. Why wait and live with regret?
Final Thoughts
Everyone has heard the idea of a bucket list and accomplishing all of the things you want to in life, before your final days, but what if that day comes sooner than we expect?
If we know regret to be the most common theme of the dying, why then is it such a struggle to avoid?
Whether you’re 30, 65 or 85 years old, you should be taking the trip, breathing the sea air, telling those that you love just how much they mean to you- Every. Single. Day!
Don’t put off your dreams until retirement. Don’t assume people know how you feel. What you have today is opportunity and it’s a gift. If you’ve recently lost someone, I know you feel this and it’s important now for you to learn from what you’ve experienced and be sure to change what your final moments will look like.
As a mom, I tell my boys every day to live big and vocalize their feelings. At the young age of 8 and 11, they’ve already seemed to master the art. It inspires me and I hope it serves as an inspiration to you as well. Live big friends! Have compassion and understanding for the dying, as they may not be themselves in their final days. Do the “stuff” now and don’t look back!
