My Spiral- This Blog Is To Help With Grief, But Also To Help Prepare You For The Unexpected Following The Death Of A Loved One
As my husband Barry’s cancer progressed, we had time to attempt to get our “affairs in order,” so to speak. We made sure everything we owned was in both of our names, we made lists and really focused on making everything as seamless as possible.
Just to put some perspective on this, Barry was a very organized and type A personality who did not forget one detail. Well guess what, as prepared as we were, we were unprepared!
I want to provide you with the ‘help with grief’ that I wish I had. It’s not enough to have your affairs in order- period! It’s an expect the unexpected kind of situation.
Back to my spiral!
As if losing someone isn’t enough of a tornado of poop, let me tell you about the worse run of luck I’ve ever experienced and of course it started with Barry’s passing. I thought at that moment I was as low as any human being could ever be. I truly believed as the wheel of life goes, I could only go up from there and I had reached the true bottom of the barrel.
Nope. Don’t tempt fate, it can always get worse. Help with grief wasn’t even on my radar. I didn’t even know what to ask for help with!
Here’s what I did know had to be dealt with (most of which was stuff I had to do myself)- What to do after your spouse dies right away:
- Funeral Arrangements– I had already chosen the funeral home we used, so that I would be prepared if I needed someone to come in the middle of the night. They’ll be the ones who will need to be contacted if you, or your loved one, choose to pass peacefully at home with hospice.
- You should discuss in advance, if you’re blessed to have time to prepare, whether their preference is a traditional burial, or cremation. Be sure to choose a cemetery and maybe even buy your plot (consider how many plots you want together). Even if it’s a cremation you’ll likely want a place for your family to come and visit.
- Your funeral home will really walk you through the next steps, but all kinds of choices from what type of ceremony (church? full mass? graveside? both? will there be calling hours, etc.), type of casket, open casket or closed, guest book, prayer cards (I did those myself for much less money, but do what’s simple) and thank you cards (purchasing, but don’t worry about sending for a while- it’s not expected). More choices than I can mention in this post.
You’ll want to have your cemetery and church selected before this meeting with the funeral home if possible. Also you’ll have to decide on a day of the week for the funeral and oftentimes it’s less expensive to do a weekday. Don’t forget to factor in school (if you have kids), work and consider family that may need to come in from out of town.
When you meet with the funeral home they’ll want to know how many copies of original death certificates you want. I think I had them make 6 if I remember correctly. Most places will accept a copy, but a handful will need originals. You can later go to your town office and get more if needed. It’s a tough balance because they do cost money, but you want to be prepared- even if you don’t end up needing them.
Our funeral home helped me decide on where I wanted an obituary placed, but the writing of it fell on my lap and was incredibly difficult. Time was not on my hands and I wanted to put my all into it. Another factor to consider is the influx of flowers and meals. The obituary is a great place to state in lieu of flowers to donate to a cause that might have meant something to your deceased spouse.
- Letting people know. This was emotional. You will have to tell your story again and again and again. You can get help with this step, but just remember to notify anyone that you don’t want to have find out through reading it in the paper. You’ll need to call your church right away. You may have to call and tell work (yours or theirs- or both!) You’ll have to call and tell loved ones and family. If you have young children you’ll have to contact their school(s). Check out my blog entitled: Grief Counseling for Children? Kids, Coping & How To Talk to Your Kids About Devastating Loss and Grief, where I discuss this further and consider my eBook where I really get into all things grief.
- Clothes for your deceased loved one. Another item to plan in advance if possible. We originally planned to bury my husband in one of his custom suits, until we both slept on it and had the same revelation…. If this is what he will wear for eternity, it should be comfortable! (At least we kept our sense of humor!) It made no sense to us that we bury him in a suit that cost thousands, when we have two sons who would love to wear his suits and it would be special for them to have. We laughed about it and said what the heck bury me in comfort!!
Another consideration is to decide what you will wear at the funeral and/or any calling hours. I waited apparently a little too long, because my dress arrived about 2 months after the funeral. Another COVID casualty I suppose. I also had to purchase a suit for one of my boys and dress shoes for the other.
- Will you read a eulogy at the funeral? I was advised against this, but decided I wanted to anyway, as it would help with grief for me. I don’t regret my choice and I think everyone should do what feels right for them. It does take a while to put together and your church will likely have some guidelines to follow including how long it should be, so be sure to talk to them first. The church will also need to meet and sit down with you to discuss what bible readings you want, what songs will be played, who will do the readings and many more details.
The full eulogy I read is in my eBook, if it helps you to have a frame of reference. I thought it was important to put in there, because I had a handful of men approach me after the funeral wanting a copy because it inspired them. It’s nice to think the words you spoke of your better half had a positive impact on someone. Maybe it can inspire you with writing one for your person.
If you choose cremation, you will have to give thought as to what you want to do with your loved one’s ashes. I have some great ideas in my freebie. If it’s a burial you’ll have to decide on if anything personal will be placed in the casket with the person. Will they be buried with their wedding ring on? Do you want to keep it and have it be something that gets passed down for generations to come? Talking to your loved one in advance, if at all possible, so you know you agree on this, will give you comfort when you make this decision.
- Flowers was something that the funeral home didn’t handle for me and required at minimum a bouquet from myself and kids and we handed out some single stem white flowers at graveside (my kids were given this job, which they were incredibly happy to do) and I had to organize getting a tall vase/container to hold them until that time. So grateful for my crafty friends. We were fortunate that the church had a ton of beautiful flowers already out because it was lent. In my freebie I have links to my favorite florist!
Other things to handle in terms of the presentation at the church included getting easels and ordering some photos to display. I also set out bookmarks instead of prayer cards (I had a picture of him and a prayer/poem on them that I had wrote). Don’t forget to set out the guest book and it helps if you have a close friend fill out the first line, so that everyone can follow their lead with the information you want (address, etc.). See my products page for what we used. - Seating at the church was another consideration for us that I didn’t realize would be something I’d have to do. They reserve a couple of rows for close family and the pall bearers and their families. If a burial is planned, don’t forget to choose about 6-8 pall bearers. Don’t forget to ask them in advance as well and let those in reserved seating know.
- music at the church or graveside may be an option, but you’ll have to speak to both the funeral home and/or church to see what is possible.
- Following the church and/or graveside service, a reception, or celebration of life gathering, may be something else you should coordinate. Inevitably there will be some out of town guests and you may not be ready yet to have a lot (or any) people in your home. You’ll have to coordinate food and drinks and secure a private spot. This is a great opportunity to allow some close friends, or family, to help. Everyone wants to help with grief, but they don’t know how. This is a place where they can feel helpful and frankly you could use the help.
- Something I wish I had started immediately is choosing a headstone. Shop around because the prices are all over the place (as is the quality). The funeral home may be able to point you in a direction of someone if you’re stuck. More precious words you’ll have to decide on. Try to decide quickly though, because these take a while to produce. Get used to the idea that it may not be done in time for the funeral.
So far I’ve only covered things related to the funeral arrangements, there’s so much more to still have to deal with! Sign Up to get my Free After Death of Spouse checklist. Stay organized all in one place and don’t forget a step.
- You should discuss in advance, if you’re blessed to have time to prepare, whether their preference is a traditional burial, or cremation. Be sure to choose a cemetery and maybe even buy your plot (consider how many plots you want together). Even if it’s a cremation you’ll likely want a place for your family to come and visit.
- Reporting– You’ll want to gain control of this before it takes on a life of its’ own. So some funeral homes report the passing of an individual to Social Security Administration. Social Security periodically reports a list of recent deaths to the three major credit bureaus. Keep in mind this is only for people who were receiving Social Security benefits (thereby social security had their deaths reported). Finally, your credit card company will get notice most likely regardless of you. This can mess up your world fast! More on this spiral below, so keep reading!
- Life Insurance– If you have a policy, starting this early on is helpful.
- Other Benefits Beyond Life Insurance– Pensions, Retirement Accounts (401k), don’t forget anywhere your loved one may have had money- Stocks/Bonds/Mutual Funds, Savings Accounts, Checking Accounts, Money Market Accounts, 529 plans that may or may not have been tapped into yet that may need to be rolled over to someone else.
Social Security Administration will let you know, when you call their official office, how to proceed. Likely they will set an appointment time to go through everything with you. Do NOT get scammed! Write down the time, because they won’t call you at a random time. If anyone calls claiming to be them, it’s likely not them, so don’t give personal information! They will call at the scheduled time you set. Be sure to have your social security number, your children’s if they are of an age that they would receive benefits, and your own.
Some of this can wait, but figure out the funds you’ll be needing access to soon, so you don’t find yourself unable to pay electrical bills, phone, internet, heat/AC, food. (Funeral costs will be super high, but be sure to talk to your funeral home about when you’ll be expected to pay. Our funeral home had a ton of leeway, but the headstone and plot needed to be paid right away.) - Help With Grief– About this time, you may be feeling a little like the rug has been pulled out from underneath you. Accept help with grief! I found comfort talking to a fellow widow (I know that word is terrible and sounds like someone else, not you) who was my contact person at our church. One of the few things that provided me with help with grief was talking to someone who had been through it too.
Please see my disclaimer as I’m not advising here, just speaking to my experience. I feel where the help comes from is less important than how you’re feeling, so if you get comfort and help with grief from talking to God- do it. If help with grief to you looks like sitting graveside and talking to your loved one- do that, but if a crisis helpline is the level of support and help with grief you’re looking for, or in need of, check out Sanvello! I came across this site in my research and I LOVE the non-clinical, but professional feel they offer.
Sanvello has multiple levels of assistance they can offer depending on your needs and it’s quite likely covered by your insurance, so check it out! You can also read more on how to differentiate between practitioners and deciding on help for kids, or not, in my blog on Grief Counseling for Children. - Health & Dental Insurance: Unless you were the subscriber on your health and dental insurance coverage plan, make sure this step is on your radar. You may have little grace on having to do this immediately, but I will say the COBRA coverage that my husband’s insurance offered, to bridge the gap, was incredibly expensive compared to the plan I ended up purchasing. If you sign up, I’ll make sure when I do an upcoming post on just how I found my coverage to send it out to you right away! Oh ya and it comes with a freebie- a checklist to help you stay on top of all of these things listed in this blog!
Medicare is complicated, as there are so many unique situations. Part A and Part B have differences as well and even if your eligibility isn’t affected, your cost could be. If you received benefits as part of your partner’s retirement package with a past employer, you should check with the plan administrator; as it is all up to how the plan was set up regarding coverage of surviving spouses. - Contact the Credit Bureau (Experian, TransUnion, or Equifax) and let them know that your loved one is deceased. You want the credit report flagged as “Deceased. Do Not Issue Credit.” Notifying one will alert all three, so you only have to do it once. It is important in preventing identity fraud. Also be sure that any creditors/lenders note, if you have any joint accounts, that only one account holder has passed.
Contact any of the following, but no need to contact all three. Here’s where to send information, according to Experian for each of the 3 major bureaus:
–Experian Consumer Assistance Center
P.O. Box 4500
Allen, TX 7501
They will require a copy of the death certificate, or you can upload it online.
–TransUnion
P.O. Box 2000
Chester, PA 19016
This is where you can send the copy of the death certificate.
–Equifax Information Services LLC
P.O. Box 105139
Atlanta, GA 30348-5139
This is where to send a copy of the death certificate for Equifax. - Cancel subscriptions in your deceased loved one’s name: Return any beds and equipment you’re renting. You don’t want to be paying for things like their Satellite radio, or car magazine, if it’s not something you want or need. This could be put off, but the sooner you cancel and return things, the less likely you’ll continue to incur costs.
- Help With Grief!! (I know I said this already) Yes you need to do it. Even with seeking help with grief you will still feel like you’re drowning. You will still feel alone. This should not deter you from reaching out and allowing people in to assist you.
Help comes in all forms. Some people will want to cook for you, some people will want to come with you as you do daily tasks, some people will mow your lawn, some people will drop things off for you and not even put a card on it so you know where it came from. This is important for them as much as it is for you, let them help- just say thank you. Will it help with grief? For some people. I wrote about setting boundaries in my eBook.
Help with grief can be running, talking, sitting quietly in a room with someone, praying, calling a crisis helpline, speaking to a counselor, eating a comfort food, getting rest, being with family, listening to music. You decide, but get the help with grief you need.
What Can and Should Wait
Yup there is still a lot left to do. This is the stuff that I feel you should side burner a bit until you have the time to breathe. In terms of what to do after your spouse dies, you’ll have to prioritize. Let’s start with vehicles.
If you have time before your spouse passes to prepare, be sure that if you have any vehicles that are paid off that they are in the surviving spouses name. If you have any leased vehicles, contact the lease company immediately. This is the best way to get a handle on next steps.
Really this is the time to re-evaluate your finances. Maybe meet with a financial advisor and truly understand what you need to retire comfortably. If you have two vehicles, but only need one, decide if you’re ready to part with one. It may still be too soon to decide this, but let your current financial situation weigh into your decision.
What you don’t need right now is to be paying for things that you don’t want or need.
I know I said this before in regards to subscriptions, but after the first wave has passed, take the time to really make a detailed list of the things you owe money on. Decide what doesn’t fit into your new picture.
Change your contact person on medical paperwork. I couldn’t stop the influx of tears the first time I had blood drawn after my husband passed and they verified my contact person upon check-in. You can wait and do this when it’s appointment time, but I just wanted to remind you this will come up so you can be prepared for the question.
This parts important! Call your insurance company! I had just paid in full for the year and was able to get reimbursed. This is a huge savings so don’t forget to take the coverage off once you get rid of any vehicles, boats, jet skis, motorcycles, etc., etc. Also it’s a good time while doing that to just check in on your plan. We have a muscle car that changes from winter to summer to different types of coverage.
Become familiar with what you need to do yearly and start a notebook outlining the steps to take each year. Might not help with grief, but it certainly helps with sanity!
Social security still may need some steps after the initial set up. I had to track any money I made, because they will want you to report income over a certain dollar amount; which will take away from what they give you. If you’re still making an income, I would not let this deter you from continuing to work. Just be sure to make an Excel spreadsheet, or keep really good notes on what money you make, so that you can report it in the timeframe they give you. You don’t want to be stuck having to pay money back that you weren’t expecting.
People will likely come out of the woodwork for items that they are wanting to stake claim to. They might say that your spouse promised it to them. Be sure to put off this step initially and handle it when you’re ready. I was blessed this never happened to me, but the older the individual who passed, likely the more potential there is for this to be an issue.
You will want to have time to think, as well as giving time to be sure no one else comes forward stating it was promised to them. An easy way to handle putting this off is to just tell the person inquiring that you were asked to wait and the lawyers are looking into this step to be sure your loved ones intentions are being carried out. That way you can wait to make any decisions until you’re ready. Much easier to give away than to get it back!
Student loans may not be a consideration for many, but if you’re a younger widower, it may come into play. Just know that if your spouse still owed, it will likely be forgiven upon death, if it was a federal loan. If their loans were private, the lender’s policy will dictate what happens. If they had a co-signer, the co-signer will be just as responsible as the borrower, but even this has exceptions as new laws have come into effect.
Any loan that your significant other had should be looked into individually. Circumstances will vary with each loan. When you receive your next bill there should be contact information on the bill, so that you can speak with the lender. If there is a website listed on the bill you can look online to see if they posted answers to your questions there, or just to help you organize what questions to ask when you call.
So now to my true bottom, because the above was just the norm for any widower
About sums it up! 
Don’t get me wrong, the flowers were beautiful, but behind the scenes I needed a lot more than flowers could repair. Our lives were upside down.
My husband passed away and as I said earlier, assuming it was the lowest I could get was my first mistake of many. Perhaps the worst two day span started with three blown light bulbs. Ugh, annoying, but I got it. One of them I literally had to YouTube to figure out how to take the light apart, but I felt empowered after completing it.
A couple tears probably started to flow about the time a closet broke, two clogged toilets and a drain in my boys sink got clogged. I distinctly remember taking a few deep breaths and sitting on my living room floor to work on my computer and gain my composure.
I’m not entirely sure why I thought it wise to take on all of the above steps pretty much at once. Most of those steps all require one thing in common- a computer. You guessed it, my computer crashed. Backup, laptop, router, internet… I didn’t even think that was possible.
This means every single step I was working on: buying a vehicle, selling a vehicle, starting a blogging business so I can make an income, contacting social security, transferring 401k money, trying to get health and dental insurance set up, buying a headstone, setting up all funeral arrangements, writing an obituary, writing a eulogy, preparing my taxes, gathering photos to send to get printed, emails, working with my husband’s company on benefits, my children’s homework and parent/teacher conferences (you get the picture) all completely stopped.
If only this was true bottom.
About that time I heard a strange sound outside. I looked out my window to see that the post master had gotten stuck in the ice and hit my mailbox! I headed outside with my shovel to help him and figured I should grab the mail while I was there. You cannot make this stuff up- inside my mailbox Jury Duty!!
I had one of my kids starting to sound like they had COVID-19. People were telling me they were setting up trusts, events, scholarships, etc. in my husband’s name looking for a blessing.
Did I reach out for help with grief? Well my mom offered to come stay and help. Not only could I not even find the time to get her from the airport, but I wasn’t sure I really had a place for her to sleep. I wasn’t yet ready to sleep in my own bed, or without the aid of the television to put me to sleep at about midnight. To top it off my dad had a major spinal surgery coming up and my mom would have to quarantine if she came to visit. I decided to try to find help with grief in the form of staying busy.
Help with grief looks different for everyone, as does what actually works for each person. Somewhere in this mix of chaos, I decided I was fed up with the spiral of garbage and decided the help with grief I needed was to book a ticket to go see my favorite medium- Theresa Caputo (not happening until about 6 months later). I figured there was no better time to try something like this, although I wasn’t entirely sure I believed it was really going to work. Obviously this was pre-computer crash- I believe the night before.
We had friends who had helped us so much through our roller coaster of cancer, that I wanted to surprise them with tickets as well- as a thank you. I tried not once, not twice, but at least three times to purchase the tickets. My card was being declined. I assure you I continued paying my bills and I was nowhere near my limit. So what could possibly have happened?!
I decided the site was having an issue and finally decided to have my friend help me try to get them. She had the same issues initially, but eventually made it work and I just paid her back.
Next morning came and I was going to be driving down to trade in my husband’s truck and buy a new vehicle with a much more reasonable payment and size that I preferred to drive. This felt like a big and emotional step for so many reasons. A good friend offered to come with me, as he had helped his daughters many times in the car buying process, but I had decided I was going to tackle it alone. (Another time to really think if you want the help with grief).
I wanted to top off my gas, because it was a bit of a drive, so I stopped at the gas station that morning. Card declined. What the….. I decided to go inside and have them swipe it. Declined again. The entire town was already looking at me with this sympathetic look that I hated and now all eyes on me for this…. Soul crushing. We were very well established, successful adults and this made me feel like an irresponsible teenager.
I got in his truck and called the credit card company. Luckily, the credit card company thought my card was stolen because of the several attempts at ticket buying at midnight the night before, so they shut it down. They had notified me with a text to my husband’s phone, which I never received. They turned it back on, I paid and was on my way.
The very next morning, I was backing out of my garage with my brand new vehicle and was so used to driving a very large, heavy truck, that I bumped into a tiny snow bank in my driveway; as I turned tighter than expected and cracked my bumper (racking in a $900 bill on my 1 day old vehicle).
The local computer company had to do an in-home set up to fix my computer disaster. Upon completion of setting up a new system, which is not cheap, I had to pay. My credit card was declined. Yes again. I assumed maybe once again it was an error, because they suspected fraud, so I called as he waited. No such luck this time. Someone had alerted the credit card company of my husband’s passing and they cancelled the card.
I had just paid a $5,000 bill they had no problem accepting and they made no mention when I had to contact them on an error they made. In fact, because things were so out of control, I just paid for the error they made and figured I’d deal with it later.
I asked them to turn the card back on, as I was also on the card and they said sorry we can’t do that, once it’s cancelled it’s cancelled. They went on to explain that several years back the credit card company made some changes and now only one person is primary on the account. Whoever was listed as the first social security number, became primary and apparently that was him. When we opened the card we were very careful to make sure we did it together- both socials, they ran both of our credit… that way we both built credit.
The next thing that happened I still regret. I was so upset with them for doing this without notifying us, that I immediately agreed to be put through to someone to sign up for a new card. Somehow I got disconnected as they attempted to transfer me. Luckily the computer guy left and said he would just bill me once my new laptop arrived. Again, humiliating.
I called back and was on hold for what seemed like forever. While on hold I was putting away vases and one fell to the floor and shattered. Seriously. When someone finally picked up, I was angry and answering abruptly and sarcastically (not my shining moment). I made a few errors on that call and almost was denied as a consequence. Things like saying I was unemployed (In actuality I wasn’t, but this is where the sarcasm snuck in because it seemed a stupid question when my husband had just passed).
Long story short on the credit card situation, I eventually got a new card. The hardest part was the
“Congratulations on your first credit card” moment
Brought to you by your neighborly credit card company
At that moment I wasn’t sure if I needed help with grief, or if they needed help with tact, but I picked myself back up again. I had a credit card I was responsible for since I was a teenager, yet there I was. There’s way more to this credit card story and I’ll have to do an entire blog on it later, but just know ensuring your name as the primary card holder, if you have the time to do so, will be a step you never regret!
Getting a new credit card up and running took longer than I expected. It took longer than they said it would as well. This just added to the list of things to do. You have to reach out to any bills you pay directly with a credit card, PayPal, Amazon accounts, subscriptions that auto-renewed, even my dog food was on an auto-ship and had to be changed.
One big tip I can offer here is to make sure if you have to sign up for a new credit card to give them your social security number. I’m someone who rarely ever gives my social, so I asked the customer service rep if it mattered if I chose not to. He said it did not. Turns out it does slow down the process! I later verified that with someone in underwriting.
Whether or not you decide to get help with grief or not, make sure to help yourself with the process of managing things after the loss of your loved one. Doing nothing, or doing too much can both lead to a bigger mess. In Stitch’s corner, my positivity blogs, check out Don’t Bite Off More Than You Can Chew, my blog about knowing your limits and staying grateful.
So my spiral may be exceptional (I pray you never have to experience even a fraction of what happened to me), but the lesson is we all need help with grief. Delegate what you can and don’t apologize, just say thank you. Being organized and having these things on your radar will help you gain a tiny bit of control in an uncontrollable situation of losing the love of your life.
Don’t forget my help with grief freebie!! Below grab your free after death of spouse checklist for help with what to do after your spouse dies all in one easy place.
