The Grief Process
So you’ve recently become alone again. Feeling a bit like the 3’rd wheel at a gathering? Having to sit in the quiet with yourself? You’re alone…. but not alone. 1.8 people die every second in the world! Check out MedIndia’s rolling counter for a breathtaking visual. The World Death Clock estimates 56 million deaths a year!
Don’t go at this alone. If you haven’t yet, sign up and get my freebie, so I can start walking beside you. Figuratively of course 😉. It helps me & it helps you! My freebie is a free PDF that gives you a checklist of things to do after the loss of a spouse. Signing up also gains you access to my exclusive Facebook Group, where if you choose to join in, we can support each other daily AND it gives you easy access to all my new blogs first, right into your inbox, so you don’t have to keep checking back (unless you want to!). Sign up below if you want in!
What is the Grief Process?
Technically speaking, the grief process is just that, the process of reacting to a loss. If you’re hoping for a nice, neat timetable-nope! If only! This will vary tremendously! You may even find yourself on a rollercoaster of bouncing around amongst the phases/stages. I know this has certainly been my experience.
This perplexing bouncing from happy to devastated, quiet to sobbing, coping to unraveling… totally normal. Not to mention this will vary from person to person, as we all handle loss differently.
So how do we know what to expect?! Start with having patience with yourself. It’s okay to not be okay and it’s okay to ride the waves a bit. As always, you know you best and if it’s time to reach out for help with your grief struggles, BetterHelp is one of my favorite services. My blog on Grief Counseling For Children goes further into how to find a good counselor for you, or your children.
Lucky for all of us, a pretty amazing lady established a reference for us to have as a general guide to the stages of grief. Her name was Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and Kübler-Ross, E et al. wrote On Death and Dying1 where the five stages of grief were outlined.
According to On Death and Dying1, the five stages are:
- Denial
- Anger
- Bargaining
- Depression
- Acceptance
I can’t begin to assume whether she/they truly believed these were the only five stages, but I’m pretty sure it was thought that the loads of other experiences and emotions fall into those categories at some level.
For those of you following me on my journey, I’ve mentioned before how I stumble between these stages 20 times within a day sometimes. It’s not a linear experience, but rather a toilet bowl spiral!
The process of grief is a variable mess. The different phases can sneak up on a person at the most random of times. Smell, memories, a song on the radio… a multitude of triggers, but usually the same outcome- your world is in a spiral.
Strategies For Coping With The Process Of Grief
What death of my better half has taught me, is that you need to be confident in your skin with who you truly are. Maybe you’re not ready to attend a wedding alone yet, but maybe you can stomach sitting at a dinner table solo at your favorite restaurant. If even that step is too much at first, be proud of yourself just for getting take-out from your old favorite spot. A step in the right direction is still a step, in the process of grief.
A good first step to moving through the grief process without getting stuck like a deer in headlights, is to start going out with friends. If you have single friends, that can help with avoiding the 3’rd wheel feel.
Even more important is spending time with the friends who really see where you’re at. They get when you just need a minute, or when it’s time to check in. They can sit comfortably in silence with you. Trust me, not everyone has this skill.
It’s an interesting situation, because many will think-
What’s the big deal? There are plenty of single people in the world.
This experience is all together different. It’s an empty seat regardless, but your’s is missing something special that used to be there and that is a heaviness that others may not experience. You are in the grief process right now and that carries with it more than just insecurity of going solo.
I always try to avoid going down memory lane, during that trying and difficult moment of absence. (Not that you always have a choice as to when it sneaks up on you). Bringing a phone, or some other distraction, is definitely a bit of avoidance of just feeling the discomfort and moving past it. You’ll have to decide what step you’re ready for.
Perhaps the first time, you do open up your Facebook, or Instagram account, to get through the moment.
Next time, take in what’s going on around you.
Then maybe, just maybe, you will be ready to sit comfortably alone and when you see the hostess, say “it’ll just be me tonight,” with a new found confidence you didn’t know you had in you. After all, the way I see it, I’m still a party of 2, he’s just waiting a bit longer than usual for me to arrive at his table. It’s all about perspective.
This is your grief process and you get to decide the pace you’re ready to move through it at.
If you decide to start with friends, or a phone, by your side to ease the discomfort- great! You’re still taking the step in this grief process! Be proud!
If you’re a little more at a snail’s pace and take-out is your friend right now, that’s okay too! Allow yourself time to be comfortable with… yourself!
Checking out my website: CanYouCureCancer? may be a great way to pass time and feel supported by someone else going through a similar struggle during those uncomfortable moments. After all, I’m definitely still in my own grief process and welcome the company!
Even though it sounds specific to cancer, half of my site is dedicated to support through the process of grief and is not solely intended for those who lost someone to cancer.
If you haven’t yet, be sure to sign up below to keep joining me on this journey! Plus receive a mini-series exclusive to my subscribers! Stay Strong!
*Remember I’m not your Doctor. Always seek your Doctor’s Advice. See my full disclaimer here.
References
1 Kübler-Ross, E et al. “On death and dying.” JAMA vol. 221,2 (1972): 174-9. doi:10.1001/jama.1972.03200150040010
