7 Stages Of Grief
If you’ve been following my blog, you know I speak of the grief process quite often. It’s an unavoidable topic when talking about loss. In 1969, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced us to the steps of grief in her book On Death and Dying.1 Within this text, she identified 5 grief stages, so how did we come to 7 stages of grief?
Years later, Kübler-Ross and David Kessler co-authored the well known book On Grief and Grieving. Kessler took it a step further, adding a sixth stage of grief in his book Finding Meaning: The Sixth Stage of Grief.2
We Can’t Heal What We Don’t Feel
David Kessler
Time and additional contributors altered, or should I say expanded upon, these original 5/6 grief stages. Now the stages of grief are summed up into 7 stages of grief that have their own unique characteristics, but attempting to be more all encompassing.
As complicated as the human experience is, it’s really no surprise that over time we’ve added a couple of additional steps of grief into the mix. Let’s get right into what the modernized 7 stages of grief are:
Denial- Now Shock & Denial
I think of denial as the filter phase. Like a pasta strainer slowly allowing the experience of realization of this enormous loss to come through. In denial one can be less overwhelmed by having everything thrust at them at once. Instead, it is like a divine gift of time. David Kessler himself even used the word grace to explain this grief stage.
Shock and denial sounds a bit like a soap opera and in fact that is exactly what this grief stage is all about. To many, it’s like watching someone else’s life play out before them. Physical symptoms may be present such as poor sleep, vomiting, loss of appetite and a racing heart. An individual may have disbelief as to what’s happening altogether.
Pain & Guilt
Reality check time. The pain rains down like knives at all sorts of inconvenient times staring you in the face. Emotional and sometimes physical pain. The guilt part is the very odd piece of this puzzle. Whether or not, it’s rational, isn’t it in our very nature to blame ourselves for all that goes wrong that we can’t control? Did you hear that last part? We can’t control. Yet somehow, guilt plagues our innermost worries.
I worried after the passing of my husband that I had forced too much change down my husband’s throat (literally at times) in my attempt to save him. New diet, supplements, teas.
I blamed myself for not finding immunotherapy soon enough for him to reap all of the benefits in time to save his life. I’m not sure anything could have changed, other than just getting the same outcome sooner. Yet still, pain and guilt comes in uncontrollable waves just like every other of the 7 stages of grief.
Anger & Bargaining
If you’ve followed my blog, you’ve clearly seen I’m beyond angry, I’m completely heated at cancer and how it seemingly takes who it wants, when it wants and leaves nothing but pain and heartache in its wake.
Anger can also be sneaky and less obvious. I have to be very careful with this for my children’s sake. Sometimes the little things that I used to just roll with trigger me in an unexpected way. I’ve heard people who are angry with the person who passed and I’ve heard people being very angry at God. To this I say- why?
I had the advantage of my husband and I somewhat knowing his passing was coming. He was able to tell me he didn’t want to die. That certainly makes it easier to not be angry at him. What if I didn’t have that gift?
Being angry is normal and natural to experience as part of this grief process. I try to remind myself that God would not dump tragedy on my lap for no reason. I might not know the reason in my lifetime, but my experience has always been that in hindsight I can see why certain things had to come to pass, even when I dug my heels in and fought it at the time.
Does that mean I didn’t kick, scream and bargain? Of course I did! My bargaining started long before my husband passed, it started when he was diagnosed as having 3 brain tumors. Let’s face it, my grief had already started then, before his passing. I was grieving what we already lost- freedom to live unburdened, without fear of what cancer could dish out.
Just to paint a picture of just how absurd the bargaining can get, I still continue to regularly beg Jesus to come back and bring my husband with him (after all he’s about the most compelling person I’ve ever met, why not use him to share a message)! Does this mean I think it’s going to happen? No, but it doesn’t stop the pleading.
Depression, Reflection & Loneliness
Oh the reflection stage! Facing the reality. Turtling into a shell and wanting to close the world out. My guess (and this is not my medical opinion see my full disclaimer as I’m not diagnosing, treating, or giving medical advice- seek a qualified mental health professional as needed) is that this is the stage of grief when hoarders are created.
The desire to keep others out and stay in is a hard battle to overcome when you’re feeling sad. I self sabotaged in the sense that I would not bother to shower, or get dressed nicely, so I had a reason to have to return home. I believe this is why these feelings are grouped together, because they tend to lead to one another.
When I feel depressed, I become alone (loneliness) and then am stuck reflecting. When I reflect I become depressed and stay home alone. When I’m by myself I get to reflecting and then become depressed. Hard ride to step off of. In my experience, whether I liked it or not, I got ejected into another of the grief stages without warning. Probably a blessing.
The Upward Turn
Ahhhh alas a step with some positivity in it. Perhaps just a smile at a funny moment. The ability to feel joy, even if fleeting, as you watch a success of your child. Maybe you make a plan with a friend. Small moments, sometimes not even noticed, but still a glimmer.
Now I won’t lie, sometimes this can trigger another one of these 7 stages of grief. I know many people who have quickly retreated after a moment of laughter into guilt over the experience. Back to Pain and Guilt stage. At least this is not a linear process, as I once thought. I feel more like a ball in a pinball machine.
Reconstruction & Working Through
A rebuild is probably a much needed prospect for you, if you’ve entered this grief ride. I feel like I need a shower after I’ve been beaten to the ground. If you’ve ever been on a cruise ship, or on a weightless amusement park ride, I’m sure you can relate to the concept of the feeling of having your feet planted firmly back on solid ground.
This stage of grief is where you begin feeling like you are working through the wreckage and working through some of the painful, messy aftermath. Regaining a sense of control in an experience that has stripped you of feeling in control of much.
Acceptance & Hope
I find myself saying this a lot. I’m not moving on, I’m moving forward. Moving forward means to me that I’m gaining in some way. Better today than yesterday. I’m finding something to move towards instead of feeling stuck.
To me, the expression ‘moving on‘ sounds so awful. Like I’ve chosen to leave the love of my life behind. Forced on, for sure, but choosing to move forward. I’m not and never will be moving on. Again maybe nit-picky to some, but to me my truth is in the details.
Where The Grief Process Goes From Here
As I’ve said many times before, from both personal experience and literature, the 7 stages of grief are not linear. Let’s face it the stages of grief are an out of control spiral and rollercoaster from day to day, minute to minute.
If you find yourself in the mess and needing a life preserver, seek a licensed mental health practitioner. BetterHelp has a fantastic list of a variety of crisis numbers, but their services are a wonderful option if you’re just looking for trained, professional help.
Some of us may be stuck in one of the above 7 stages of grief for years, while others may never experience that same grief stage at all. The experience of it varies as much as we do from person to person. Sign up with CanYouCureCancer to get blog updates, a free checklist following loss and a person to walk the walk with you.
Resources
1 Stephanie Kirby. Medically reviewed by Melinda Santa. The Seven Stages of Grief and How They Affect You. BetterHelp. Updated Dec. 1, 2021.
2 https://grief.com/the-five-stages-of-grief/ Interview With David Kessler: A Facebook Watch Original. How To Heal After Loss. Red Table Talk: The Estefans.
